She puts the “She” in Sheila. Who am I talking about? Why, Sheila, of course. It should be noted that I don’t know anybody named Sheila. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love her.

“I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried…”

“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my ne…”

“If I owned a dry cleaners, I’d open at 9 and clothes at 5. Ugh. That pun was sp…”

“I say we cut our government in half, with a chainsaw along their waists.”