She said, “Name something people only use once.” I said, “The phrase, ‘You cowardly bastard—you won’t shoot me.

“Thomas Jefferson is by far the smartest president,” said Thomas Jefferson, abou…”

“I’ll name my town “Unwelcome,” and the sign will say, “Welcome to Unwelcome.”

“I ate the evidence he’d been murdered. What Carl called “Kevin,” I called dinne…”

“My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it…”