The car wash sign said, “Free Vacuums.” So I told them I wanted a high-powered Dyson. I figured it’d be a good gift for my girl, so she could stop sweeping the living room carpet.

“All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be t…”

“A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks.…”

“I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not…”

“With a tough decision, the act of flipping a coin allows you to figure out whic…”