The couch was green, so I felt comfortable wiping my boogers on it. I just wish it had been brown.

“It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy pat…”

“Over 90% of my do-nothing attitude can be attributed to one thing—nothing. So c…”

“I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it w…”

“Nonstop sunny days would be boring. We need the gloom to highlight the highs.”