The difference between noon and midnight is the same as the separation between sex and masturbation. Sexually, you can find me at 6:00 sharp. Bring a condom and a glove—and don’t be late.


“Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but whe…”

“But back to the coffee. I was here on a mission. I just spent nearly five bucks…”

“I am Captain Aptitude. Well, I will be, once I get acclimated to the climate at…”

“A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important…”