The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle helmet at the time.

“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.”

“If love were a porch light, I’d be the moth. And you’d be the freshly-pressed p…”

“Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a…”

“A brick could be used as the perfect response in one particular situation. Next…”