The last time I saw love was in my imagination while reading a book on Thomas Jefferson. Isn’t the Constitution of the United States so romantic?

“I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after y…”

“She wanted to know if I loved her, so I texted her a picture of a dead bird.”

“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "W…”

“I would crack a smile, but I don’t like breaking things.”