The last time I went speed dating, I brought a radar gun. I got clocked at over 70 miles per hour.

“I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone …”

“Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side y…”

“The name’s Jamello. That’s my last name—and my first name. And yes, I am a herm…”

“Your dinner is mocking me. I’ll kill it and eat it.”