The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache—on a man who runs his mouth all the time.

“If I could rotate my neck 180 degrees, like an owl, I'd go around wearing backw…”

“Give yourself a hug, and while you are embracing yourself, use that time to hol…”

“We made love like a John and a hooker, despite the fact that my name’s Jarod. A…”

“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my…”