The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.

“My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, pro…”

“Sunglasses make me feel cool. They also make me feel cool. (Stylish and refresh…”

“Dear cat, your ears are flipped inside out, so I know you’re not listening to a…”

“It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five c…”