The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets underneath their space suits.

“I saw the ghost of vodka. It was a translucent spirit.”

“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a bea…”

“I want to meet the girl of my dreams, and then immediately try to sleep with he…”

“My time at the pool went swimmingly. Better than a nude beach, because I was th…”