The term “global audience” is misleading and meaningless, but I’m proud to say that I do indeed have a global audience. At least while my grandma’s vacationing in Ireland, my grandpa’s in Germany, and my parents are visiting Australia.

“I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you…”

“I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decision…”

“I thought I was placing my hand on her knee. But it turned out to be her saggy …”

“I have an iron deficiency. You can tell by how wrinkled my clothes are.”