The way the crotch of my jeans are constructed makes it look like I have an erection when I don’t. That’s why I wear Spandex—so the whole world can see exactly when I’m stiff.

“Like a midget, I walk tall and proud.”

“I breathe onto a mirror just to make sure I’m still alive, and to see how good …”

“If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 y…”

“We had a good time together. 3:33, to be exact.”