The zipper on my crotch is an air vent. I need some way to cool down my hot coffee.

“My mashed potatoes come with a masturbation sound you pour on top, like gravy. …”

“Sometimes I pretend I'm from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow…”

“It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love.”

“I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “…”