This morning I ate a hamburger for breakfast, and then wept like a baby into an open jar of mayonnaise. I guess that’s just the champion in me.

“Cap’n is the cuddliest cat this side of the rabbit hole. He’s like a furry lump…”

“Richard Dawkins can suck my Dickens.”

“If love melted like a statue made of butter, would you consider me a pancake or…”

“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch ou…”