What are we talking about?” Alex says. “This is fucking nonsense.”

The couple ahead of us turns slightly.

“What are you looking at?” Alex says to them.

I don’t bother to reprimand her, because really, what are they looking at? I slow my pace and Alex punches Scottie in the arm.

“Ow!” Scottie screams.

“Alex! Why are we still on this pattern?”

“Hit her back, Dad,” Scottie yells.

Alex grabs Scottie’s neck.

“You’re hurting me,” Scottie says.

“That’s kind of the point,” Alex says.

I grab both children by the arm and pull them down to the sand. Sid covers his mouth with his hand and bends over, laughing silently.

“‘What do you love about Mom?’” Alex says, mimicking her sister. “Shut up, already. And stop babying her.”

I sit down between them and don’t say a word. Sid sits next to Alex. “Easy, tiger,” he says. I look at the waves crashing down on the sand. A few women walk by and give me this knowing look, as though a father with his kids is such a precious sight. It takes so little to be revered as a father. I can tell the girls are waiting for me to say something, but what can I say that hasn’t been said? I’ve shouted, I’ve reasoned, I’ve even spanked. Nothing works.

“What do you love about Mom, Scottie?” I ask, glaring at Alex.

She takes a moment to think. “Lots of stuff. She’s not old and ugly, like most moms.”

“What about you, Alex?”

“Why are we doing this?” she asks. “How did we get here in the first place?”

“Swimming with the sharks,” I say. “Scottie wanted to swim with sharks.”

“You can do that,” Sid says. “I read about it in the hotel.”

“She’s not afraid of anything,” Alex says.

She’s wrong, and besides, I think this is a statement and not something that Alex truly loves.

“Let’s get back,” I say.

I stand up and wipe the sand off of me. I look at our hotel on the cliff, pink from the sunset. The girls’ expressions when I told them about their mom made me feel so alone. They won’t ever understand me the way Joanie does. They won’t know her the way I do. I miss her despite the fact that she envisioned the rest of her life without me. I look at my daughters, utter mysteries, and for a brief moment I have a sick feeling that I don’t want to be alone in the world with these two girls. I’m relieved they haven’t asked me what it is I love about them.

Author: Kaui Hart Hemmings