What you consider gross—dead rats—I consider considerate gifts.

“The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—o…”

“A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thi…”

“The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.”

“One of your siblings has got to be the dumbest. And if you’re an only child—you…”