When I can’t write I read. When I can’t read I sleep. And when I can’t sleep I write.

“The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in …”

“If you have to dig to find yourself, you are probably dead.”

“One of your siblings has got to be the dumbest. And if you’re an only child—you…”

“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.”