When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead. 


“Love is a bag of electric eels sleeping in a lagoon full of goons and legumes. …”

“I made love without her, and I just barely made it.”

“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”

“If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.”