When I look in the mirror, I see not only the person I am, but the person I could be. The person I could be is clean-shaven, and I like him better than me.

“I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”

“There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.”

“Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mo…”

“I was in Love once. I think I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Or maybe I was in Lovela…”