When I see a cop’s lights behind me at two in the morning, and I have my disco ball dangling from my rearview mirror, it’s like, Hey, a party! Especially if I’ve been drinking.

“When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the ligh…”

“My name is Mr. Murderedscott. But if you want to know what happened to Scott, I…”

“His last name is Palmer. His ancestors must have been compulsive masturbators. …”

“I could put the journal in journalist, but I’d rather supply my diary.”