When I told investors I was going to invent a self-love machine, they told me to go fuck myself. So I did—and now they do too.

“Three people are interviewing for a job. The first thinks his odds are 33.3 per…”

“A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all …”

“Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to …”

“The rumor is that my cousin dates phoenix sculptures made out of cheese. It has…”