When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I’ll probably call my grandma up, because as old as I’ll feel, she’ll be feeling older. Twelve years older.


“I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.”

“Planning is worrying, only in a productive, proactive form. Worry has to be a l…”

“My printer printed off blank pages. Is my printer out of ink, or do I just have…”

“My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I ha…”