When I wear my confessional glove it’s super tempting to give myself a velvet handjob.

“If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have…”

“A brick could be used as a musical instrument. But it would take someone as dea…”

“I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in …”

“I run like I have cirrus clouds for legs and rainbow knees. What is life, if no…”