When somebody tells me they’ve had a bad day, I always respond in a somber voice, “Yes, I’ve had one of those too. August 15, 2004.

“The indignity of having to wear suntan lotion pales in comparison to getting sk…”

“I’m like Mary Annette, but I’m not a marionette. Who’s Mary Annette? The first …”

“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offe…”

“I have a favorite cemetery I go to, because it’s really clean and the doctors a…”