When tragedy befalls me and someone says, "Better you than me," I always reply, "Yes, I am better than you.

“My ex girlfriend said she’d never cheat on me. Well, she did—with an accountant…”

“Money is seen as a great evil. But I've never seen a pile of cash stab someone.”

“Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For on…”

“Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you kn…”