Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?

“I’d dig your grave with a spoon, if the earth were made of green Jell-O.”

“Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an e…”

“My name is Al, but it’s not Al Falfa. You can’t eat me, damnit. At least not le…”

“Scars are proof man isn’t perfect, though constantly getting closer.”