Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can handle?

“As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain w…”

“If I had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and a midd…”

“On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel tha…”

“Love sounds like an elephant weighs. I know, because I’ve seen it with my own t…”