With Mildred Feeblemeister dead, I’m now the world’s 77th greatest grandmother.

“A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is …”

“My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to h…”

“Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fish…”

“I haven’t the faintest idea how babies are born, probably because I fainted on …”