You know what’s right up my alley? Hobos. And they’d better move, because I set up my squatter settlement in this alley first.

“It’s like Mark Twain once said to his wife, Olivia: “How many times do I have t…”

“I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.”

“I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always ke…”

“I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.”