Lady and gentleman, when my parents left Korea with nothing but the clothes on their backs and the considerable wealth they had amassed in the shipping business, they had a dream. They had a dream that one day amid the snowy hilltops of western North Carolina, their son would lose his virginity to a cheerleader in the woman's bathroom of a Waffle House just off the interstate. My parents have sacrificed so much for this dream! And that is why we must journey on, despite all trials and tribulations! Not for me and least of all for the poor cheerleader in question, but for my parents and indeed for all immigrants who came to his great nation in what they themselves could never have: CHEERLEADER SEX.
John GreenTags: virginity sex immigration bathroom cheerleaders
Todd came toward me with the squad trailing behind him like a street gang of angry thugs with breasts.
Kristin WalkerTags: todd cheerleaders fiona
United we stand, divided we fall
Just watch us as we beat ya’ll.
You say ‘brother against brother’?
Well, my brother screwed your mother
And she liked it!
We’ll kick your shins and break your knee
’Cause all you got is Robert E. Lee.
Farbs!
Tags: cheer cheerleaders chant
Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry.
Jennifer Lynn BarnesTags: funny cheerleaders toby sarcastic
I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn’t get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no one went to the soccer games. In fact, I believe part of my duties as a cheerleader was to bake brownies for the team.
Kathy GriffinTags: humor soccer high-school cheerleaders
I'd always assumed Beth and I would be friends forever. But then in middle of the eighth grade, the Goldbergs went through the World's Nastiest Divorce.
Beth went a little nuts.
I don't blame her. When her dad got involved with this twenty-one year old dental hygienist, Beth got involved with the junk food aisle at the grocery store. She carried processed snack cakes the way toddlers carry teddy bears. She gained, like, twenty pounds, but I didn't think it was a big deal. I figured she'd get back to her usual weight once the shock wore off.
Unfortunately, I wasn't the only person who noticed.
May 14 was 'Fun and Fit Day" at Surry Middle School, so the gym was full of booths set up by local health clubs and doctors and dentists and sports leagues, all trying to entice us to not end up as couch potatoes. That part was fine. What wasn't fine was when the whole school sat down to watch the eighth-grade cheerleaders' program on physical fitness.
Tags: bullying divorce teenagers obesity fat middle-school cheerleaders shaming weight-gain fat-shaming weight-shaming
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