I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri MartinTags: humor funny comedy ironic comedian roommates fly demetri-martin
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
Demetri MartinTags: humor funny games video-games helping-others shot comedians demetri-martin
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!
Demetri MartinTags: humour demetri-martin this-is-a-book
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
Demetri MartinTags: humour demetri-martin this-is-a-book
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
Demetri MartinTags: humour demetri-martin this-is-a-book
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
Demetri MartinTags: humour demetri-martin this-is-a-book
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
Demetri MartinTags: humour demetri-martin this-is-a-book
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