99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.
Quentin R. BufogleTags: money drinking alcohol humorous-quotations money-issues 1-percent 99-percent drinking-quotes humorous-quotes money-happiness money-quotes
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Dennis MillerTags: humorous-quotes
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis MillerTags: humorous-quotes
Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.
Candace C. BowenTags: quotes sarcastic-quotes humorous-quotes funny-quotes humor-quotes witty-quotes
A “good friend” was well…. Like your teeth.
You had a limited number of them to last you an entire lifetime.
You could survive without them, but having them made life much more enjoyable.
If you didn’t take good care of them, you could lose them forever.
Tags: humorous-quotes
Today I feel like I did tomorrow.
Carroll BryantTags: humor humorist comedy humorous comedy-humor humorous-quotes
I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot.
Neil GaimanTags: humorous-quotes the-star
Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.
Addison C. ArthurTags: humor humorous humorous-quotations humorous-quotes
He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.
Carroll BryantTags: humor funny humorous funny-but-true humorous-quotes
To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.
Charles VTags: holy-roman-emperor languages humorous-quotes
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