lately it has become more and more difficult to attend dinner parties without the evening ending in gunfire or tapioca...

Daniel Handler

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This is love, to sit with someone you've known forever in a place you've been meaning to go, and watching as their life happens to them until you stand up and it's time to go.

Daniel Handler

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How do you forget something? You just walk away from it, those who are still alive. There are so few clearings in our hearts and minds, so few places where something can't grow on top of whatever happened to us before, and this is love too.

Daniel Handler

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Someone can break your heart, leave you dead on the lawn, and still you never learn what to say to stop it all over again.

Daniel Handler

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Love was in the air, so both of us walked through love on our way to the corner.

Daniel Handler

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Everybody has a theory.

Daniel Handler

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I have a dream of what would have happened if what happened instead hadn't.

Daniel Handler

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Love can smack you like a seagull, and pour all over your feet like junk mail.

Daniel Handler

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The window rattles without you, you bastard. The trees are the cause, rattling in the wind, you jerk, the wind scraping those leaves and twigs against my window. They'll keep doing this, you terrible husband, and slowly wear away our entire apartment building. I know all these facts about you and there is no longer any use for them. What will I do with your license plate number, and where you hid the key outside so we'd never get locked out of this shaky building? What good does it do me, your pants size and the blue cheese preference for dressing? Who opens the door in the morning now, and takes the newspaper out of the plastic bag when it rains? I'll never get back all the hours I was nice to your parents. I nudge my cherry tomatoes to the side of the plate, bastard, but no one is waiting there with a fork to eat them. I miss you and I love you, bastard bastard bastard, come and clean the onion skins out of the crisper and trim back the tree so I can sleep at night.

Daniel Handler

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All the deaths are dead for nothing but you're not dead at all.

Daniel Handler

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