This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book should be to you.

Eugene Mirman

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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Eugene Mirman

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Throughout our history, humanity has been plagued with questions, and also plagued with regular plagues. I don't know much about biology, so I can't speak to actual plagues. However, I can answer all kinds of questions: moral, ethical, job-related, child rearing, party etiquette, romantic, technological, stuff about boobs, and my three faves: How do I have sex with someone and not talk to them again?, Can you hit a kid for a very, very good reason?, and of course How do you get a self-righteous asshole to shut the fuck up, even if they're right?

Eugene Mirman

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In this book I will teach you, based on stuff I have either made up, observed, or overheard, how to live the life you want--the life you Will. Obviously, if your name is Will and you are slow, this book will be confusing/upsetting. Be careful. Thanks.

Eugene Mirman

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Let's start anew. Life is goals--Purpose-Attempts--Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

Eugene Mirman

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On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.

Eugene Mirman

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It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

Eugene Mirman

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A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

Eugene Mirman

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I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.

Eugene Mirman

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Are you in any way qualified?

Yes? No? It doesn't matter. In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

Eugene Mirman

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