Mr. Lollipop, do I look like a sucker to you?

Jarod Kintz


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The only thing that stays the same is change.

Jarod Kintz


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Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.

Jarod Kintz


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The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?

Jarod Kintz


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Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.


Jarod Kintz


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I heard everything you said, listened to half, and agreed with a quarter. And 12.5% isn’t bad—if you’re collecting that in interest on money you lent out.

Jarod Kintz


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Disregard my order to disregard my order. And that’s an order.

Jarod Kintz


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I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got some extra space in your closet. Do you think I could store them there?

Jarod Kintz


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I need to lay low for a while. I’ll be on my stomach, trying not to arch my back (damn scoliosis).

Jarod Kintz


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I think you’re funny, and the toilet sounds like a soda can opening when it flushes. It’s a diet soda, so it’s less filling and more fattening.

Jarod Kintz


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