A balanced argument is one that takes place entirely in my head, and doesn’t cause me to tip over.

“I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks,…”

“I have the Denver Omelet of accents. And considering I’m from Denver, it makes …”

“It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed…”

“Her name is Today. I told her I’d call her tomorrow. That was yesterday. I’m co…”