After I perused Facebook for ten minutes, learning absolutely nothing interesting about the people in my life (or slightly outside of my life, as seems to be the case with Facebook)...

“Kiddo, I’d let you brand me with a hot iron if you wanted to.”“Still a sucker f…”

“Guess that’s a thing you still do. You know, look like a douchebag.”

“Who the hell is Old Roddy?” I said angrily. I was sick of feeling like I wasn’t…”

“My idea of vacuuming is borrowing someone's dog for the day and having them eat…”