At the end of the first date, I got my courage up and I made a move. One U-Haul van and 1,500 miles later, I regretted my boldness.

“I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Or…”

“I gathered all my eggs in one basket, because I believe in collectivism, and I …”

“I want to work at a big firm. Erection.”

“I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit …”