Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.

“I don't like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed po…”

“Love is all around. I don’t need your leftovers, ma’am. Not unless you’re offer…”

“I won’t bring you a single rose to be romantic, but I will point out that our r…”

“I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it…”