Cats are like mushrooms, only you'll rarely ever hear me scream, "Get off my pizza!" to a pack of mushrooms.

“I’d like to play a game of Marco Polo—in the 13th century.”

“I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.”

“If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason th…”

“In this economic recession, I have resorted to wearing my lucky underwear to jo…”