Don’t kill your wife—kill your wife’s mother, and make it look like your wife did it.

“His last name was Worthless. Or was that just the perfect word to describe him?…”

“I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I nee…”

“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for brea…”

“After my first coaching experience, the field looked more like Gettysburg than …”