Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.

“If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only no…”

“I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendous…”

“My initials are J.O.K., and then there is a silent "E" on the end. And not only…”

“I am the man of your dreams. Go back to sleep.”