Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secretly I’m trying to drown them and eat them—just like I tried to do to my teammates in my tenure on my high school swim team.

“His breath smelled like a one-inch tall man wearing stinky socks used his tongu…”

“The fish meowed at me. It must be a catfish.”

“You can’t believe every word you read while watching TV. (Even with closed capt…”

“A blanket could be used to represent a thing. Now this thing is curious, becaus…”