Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on time for work? Well, I used to think that, before unemployment turned every day into a Saturday.

“If someone asks you what the most popular form of transportation is, before you…”

“It’s not stealing if I didn’t know it was in anybody’s possession, and I didn’t…”

“It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.”

“I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to dr…”