For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one, and not enough of the other.

“I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by din…”

“A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. …”

“If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet…”

“He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him.…”