I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42.

“I run a tight ship. It’s so tight, you could call it a canoe.”

“Revenge seeks its pound of flesh. That’s one fifth of my erection.”

“If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet…”

“I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many hom…”