I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’…”

“He said he thinks he’s God, and I said, In that case, I’m an atheist.”

“A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repacka…”

“These times are hard, and so is my penis.”