I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune telling prowess is improving.

“My breath smells like fish. I need to gargle tartar sauce.”

“My life was unbalanced. That is, until I found love and grew a second leg.”

“You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch m…”

“At the end of the universe you’ll find a door labeled “Do Not Enter.” No great …”