I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

“I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no acti…”

“Tickets are 40 bucks at the window, and 190 bucks if you actually go through th…”

“I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough …”

“If I didn’t have any pants on, I’d let you taste my pantslessness.”